You, et al.

For Stevie, Allen, Josie, Craig, Will, Jessie, Rory, Lou, Pedro, Daz, Lucci… and for Michel, who has shuffled off his mortal coil

—

i told you i make connections easily
but that's not the whole picture

i can be a chameleon
adapt to those

humans

sense their feelings
identify their needs

understand their true intentions
not their miscommunications

i hear the real meaning behind their words
and

their behaviour

shrouded
hidden

in a web
of other words

sometimes
hidden

even to themselves

i see behind the mask

of anger
frustration
laughter
bravado

fear

through the yelling and screaming
(even in my direction)
i see a person in pain

never loved unconditionally
or given the tools to deal with
the endless torment
of this toxic world

through the laughter and bravado
i see

a child

who was never allowed to show
when they were hurt

through the bullying and abuse
i see a person who needed unconditional love

who needed to express to the world
a complete set of emotions
(not just stoicism)

through the 'useless’
or
'lazy' individual

i see a person who has experienced
a great deal of
unhealed
unprocessed
~ trauma

i see a human
who needs someone

anyone

just one other human being
to see them for who they truly are

beautiful
broken

desperate
worn down

waiting for an outstretched hand
not a closed fist

waiting for someone to look them in the eyes
not down on them

waiting for someone to hold their hand
not slap it away

waiting for someone to lift them up
not drag them down

waiting for someone anyone
to see them

waiting

waiting

waiting

for someone…

anyone

to ask

"are you ok?"

instead of telling them

"you're not ok!"

ever since i was old enough to remember
I felt

everything everywhere all at once

a great source of inspiration
for art
(for catharsis)

but
it also hurt

me
immensely

feeling too much
seeing others pain
and trauma

even when they cannot see it
or communicate it

it isn’t always
fun


if I'm really honest
(which I hope I always am)

it badly damaged me
pulled me into depression

~ and anxiety

i suppose
(after a lifetime of feeling and seeing everything ~

all the time)
it became too much to bear… so

in order to not feel
and see

everyone's demons
all the time

on top of my own,
(they were constant companions)

i crafted
moulded
and built

a strong, unshakable and impenetrable wall
around my heart

ironically
whilst trying to protect myself

i also shut out the beautiful things
that come from the entire spectrum of the human

experience

i didn't just keep out pain
and toxicity

i also kept out much of the beautiful
broken
creative
spectrum

i encountered a few rare creatures
with whom I dabbled in vulnerability

you, et al

but for the others
for the most part

… I locked my true self
away

pushed away
those parts of myself
and those parts in others

those things - that can only come from a life lived
in all its

light
and all its darkness

i began to scream
silently

i clawed at my insides
begging to be set free

but i ignored it

i ignored the true me

instead
i morphed

twisted
mutilated


pushed
squished
restricted

into a shape I didn't fit

into

ironically

what i did
to keep me “safe”

… is what caused me to

break

and
nearly killed me
literally

my synapses snapped

in an whole body
soul
and mind effort

to protect myself

from... well…

me

i was trapped
inside my own body

for nearly 12 months
to the day

i never want anyone else to experience that
because i genuinely believe

it was a fate
worse than death.

i never want to go to that place again

buried alive

in a soundproof

glass

coffin

every moment
every day
every week
every month
every . . . second

wide awake
fully aware

trapped inside
for an entire year

yet,
without that experience

i don't know
if i ever would have listened

to the real me

who desperately tried to tell me
for years, decades, a life time

that they were there…
the whole time


they tried to tell me
that if I didn't let her out

it would kill me

~ literally

my experience made me the person who is writing this today

it showed me what this life is
or, more importantly,

what it can be

what it…

should 

be

and for that

i am blessed

because without that experience
i don't believe I ever would have stopped 

i never would have listened
to them,
to me

now here it is
the point of the long-winded story
(as is my signature)

whilst trapped in that glass coffin
i admit
i tried to shuffle off my own mortal coil

not because i wanted to die
but because to “live” like that

was cruel

so i tried to find mercy

and one time

i slipped

to the other side

and it was there

that i saw the real darkness

i saw
~ the nothingness

and it is ~  forever

not just a second
a minute
an hour
a day
a week
a month

no

this is a nothingness

so empty

so hollow

so enveloping

that lasts

for all eternity

i saw
the “other side”

and i can tell you, my friends
there was nothing there

no big white pearly gates
fictional god

waiting to welcome
with open arms

or send you to hell
for eternal suffering

just

nothing

forever

needless to say
it was an unsuccessful shuffle

thank…
god (?)


because when i finally broke
out of the glass coffin

I never wanted to live
more than I did then
in that very moment

i felt like I finally got it

we only live
once

it's not a hallmark card
or an instagram post

it's the kind of knowing 
that can only come from being swallowed whole
and alive

enveloped by a darkness

so empty

so hollow

so eternal

… that it would make even the most depressed and suicidal person shiver with terror

this is a kind of darkness that swallows all living things; every creature, every plant, every rolling hill, every sun, moon, planet and distant star

it swallows the universe... every atom, every time, from the beginning... until

the end

it's not often that you meet people, anyone, who knows - like really knows... that type of darkness

and I know you, et al, have felt it
and, i know you still do sometimes

but I see you
and I let you in

whilst my walls of “protection” may been shattered
only the special creatures are allowed in now

so when I say that I love you

i mean it

in full

as you are

in each moment

i love you now

i will love you as you morph

change

evolve

into 

whatever 

you want to be

and I hope you can love me that way too

because it’s the only way I can love now


~ for the special ones ~

—

Acknowledgments

Inspired by Josh et al

~ and the song ~ “You” by Keaton Henson